Good Morning, Rejection, You’ve Been a Faithful Friend

Good morning rejection,

It’s good to see you again

Thank you for showing me

that you’re a steady friend

who I can always count on seeing

no matter what I do

You especially show  yourself when

it comes to the ugly truth

 

By now I’ve come to see you

lurking in pauses and silences

laced in phrases of back-handed compliments,

“You’ll be a great wife/mother one day”

“You’re such a great sister”

I used to be annoyed by your presence

it grew to silent toleration instead

now that I’m seeing you again this time

I’ve realized that you’ve been my one true friend.

Your handiwork has left a few blows, but they’re now

a scarred tattoo around my heart

It seems that no matter how much time has passed

we never spend that much time apart.

 

So I appreciate your timing and the consistency of your stay

Because you’ve finally gotten through to me

that things will always be this way.

 

 

Exploring Option 1: Joining A Convent

In my last post, I discussed the different ways I could embrace life solo. One of them included joining a convent. Consequently, I realized that such a decision would mean that I would have to make several sacrifices to get to that point. In preparation of transitioning into that life, I realize that I must be willing to let go of certain thing to get to that point.
As such, I realized that I should probably create a list of things to do before I get into the convent, such as:
-deactivate all my online dating memberships
-settle all my financial debts and detach myself from my possessions
-plan times for visits by friends and family.
-embrace solitude.

Updates to follow.

Giving Thanks: A Transition

On this day, I would like to give thanks to every one of my exes (and single men of America) for all the experiences you’ve given me. Every painful and precious  one.  Thank you for your thoughtless comments and thoughtful gestures, the ugly truths and lovely lies. Thank you for showing me what it means to when you’re all in and what it means when you’re on the way out. I appreciate your selfishness and overriding concern for self protection. You have shown me the consequences of being vulnerable and the importance of boundaries, as well as how to take others for granted.

I am grateful for every single expression of “You’re great, but…”, in word and deed. Every indifferent and passive rejection of who I am, every dashed expectation and cowardice has made me stronger.  Thanks to all of you, my heart is tough and leathery where it needs to be and tender in others. I am indebted to each of you because of what you’ve taught me:

You’ve taught me to trust my instincts.

You’ve taught me to be cold, rational, and calculating when it comes to relationships, and to keep my feelings to myself.

You’ve taught me to never settle for foolishness in the name of giving someone a fair shake.

You’ve taught me to never apologize for being myself, and that your insecurities and low self-esteem are not my problem.

You’ve taught me that engaging with you means dumbing down, placating to your insecurities and pretending to be someone I’m not.

You’ve taught me how to disappear, disappoint, and run at the slightest disagreement.

You taught me what it looks like to truly be a friend and what it means to be an opportunist.

You’ve taught me on how to effectively pretend to be something that the other person wants in order to get what you want.

So I thank you. I thank you showing your true selves and demonstrating what really matters to you.  By showing me all the things about your true intent, you have opened my eyes to the consequences of being myself and pushed me to fully embrace life solo.

It’s because of you that I am able to see my mistakes and poor choices, and that the common denominator in all of this is not you. It is me. And since it’s me, then that means that I need to accept things that cannot change. And in understanding that acceptance, I have realized that I have come to the conclusion that what I want is not realistic and something, perhaps, I am supposed to have.

So, in acknowledging this, I am looking forward to researching alternatives and chronicling the results here. I’ve already come up with a few:

a) Joining a convent

b) Pulling a “Miranda” (SATC)-pursuing full fledged careerism

c) turning into a female “Wilson” (a la Home Improvement)

Giving Up, Girlbros, and Getting to Happy

A few weeks ago I engaged some of my followers on twitter regarding the existence of a girlbro(Thanks, Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother) (which was really a subtle rephrasing of the underlying question as to whether or not women and men can be “just friends”), and the nuanced discussion made me think about what constitutes a girlbro. The majority of the people involved in this discussion did agree that a woman who has a pack of guy friends with no romantic machinations whatsoever would be one of the consistent conditions for such an existence of a GB.

It made me think about my own relationships, particularly with my friendships with the  opposite sex. In thinking about it, I realized a common pattern: The guys I found myself attracted to were not attracted to me at all. I was, in their minds, a “great sister” (which, frankly, is code for not only a lack of attraction but repulsion). Also, I find that the men that are attracted to me, I don’t find attractive at all, or that they’re my brother.

It’s a reality I’ve been thinking about more lately as I look at my relationship history and experiences. As such, I started to wonder if perhaps I’ve been going at things from the entirely wrong angle. Perhaps the problem is not just that my picker is broken. Maybe, it’s because I have been resisting my position as a girlbro, or a “great sister”, because I based much of my happiness on getting what I want (and in this case, that would mean obtaining the affection and interest of the person I am attracted to).

So, it simply makes sense to stop fighting something that works. There are benefits to being a girlbro. For one, it means you don’t have to waste any time or energy considering or wondering about what to wear. There’s no one to impress and there’s no need to try to doll yourself up to  get any new male attention, because you’re one of the guys.  And because you’re a “girlbro”, the guys feel comfortable enough with you to expose their true selves.

Consequently, being a girlbro is a prime opportunity to gain insider information on male behavior. And once you understand that behavior, you can understand how it can be manipulated or sharpened for good.

And that freedom, in giving up, getting on with life, and facing things as they are will bring me closer to peace and contentment than trying to clawing against reality and living in denial of my circumstances.

 

These Three Things

If anyone knows me very well, there are several things that can get me on a rant. Among those frustrations, they seem to always involve the Church, inter-gender relations, and politics (which, as one of my undergraduate professors called it,”who gets what”). And true to form, here are three things on my radar right now that simply have eroded my ability to sit back in silent apathy:

1.)Christians behaving like heathens towards each other during this election cycle.

You’re a Democrat.They’re an evangelical Republican. My response: You’re a CHRISTIAN first. Stop the name calling, disrespect, and questioning of a person’s faith because someone votes differently than you do. The commandment to love one another and not to backbite does not have a political affiliation exemption. No one has all the answers, and all of us, no matter what affiliation we have, have got it wrong at one point or another. Let’s disagree agreeably, and extend grace to one another.

2.) The supers-spiritual Christianese statuses towards single people, especially coming from  married people.

I understand that some of these statuses and posts are coming from a place of trying to give aid. But let’s be honest here: Saying you want to be in a relationship or want to be married doesn’t automatically put a person in a case of “idolizing” marriage, and it does not make them “thirsty” either.  People being honest about their desires also doesn’t automatically mean that they have some unrealistic view about marriage. And marrieds, while I certainly understand your admonitions to be “content” in your singleness, the truth is that CONTENTMENT, PERIOD, is the challenge for Christians, no matter our age, marital status, or position in the world. Please remember that some of us find it terribly difficult to really give your urgings to “be content” any weight when you have the luxury to enjoy and experience all the trials and triumphs of covenant marriage.

There is such a thing as balance, and somewhere along the line in American church we have lost the ability to acknowledge reality, take care of the things that we do have control over (our attitudes, emotions, and actions), and still choose to trust God with the things that we don’t have control over (other people’s behavior toward us).

3.) Double Standard/Dating Hypocrisy

To give an example of this:

Guys who choose completely incompatible women for themselves and then complain about how hard it is to find a good woman. In the words of my roommate, it’s because “they see Kool-Aid and think it’s water.”

Ladies who expect to take the qualities of a married man (or woman) they see in church and exact those same standards on all potential suitors, refusing to adhere to those same standards on their own.

Ladies and gents who actually become “back-pocket” people because they don’t have the guts to admit their interest and take a risk, and who then become angry and frustrated when the object of their affection responds to someone else who did.

 

So there you have it, three things that incite a caffeinated rant at this moment in my life. What about you? What things drive you up the wall?

Random Thoughts

I thought about how to write a great blog post heralding my return after such a long absence, but I couldn’t come up with anything. But there has been a lot on my mind since my last post. So here are some of my thoughts, in no particular order:

-Just because I don’t want to talk about Jesus, God, or the spiritual nature of a problem doesn’t make me spiritually immature, carnal, or a heathen. Being a Christian does not mean that reason has completely and utterly evaporated from my brain. Those who disagree are free to do so, and we should remember that our Christlike character should be  even more evident with those who don’t think, act, walk, or talk like us.

-I am tired of the American evangelical church’s engagement in the “culture wars”, and I fully believe that the manner of their engagement is part of the reason why many young adults are leaving the church.

-I also believe that the Church’s teachings on “biblical femininity” and “Biblical womanhood” are some of the reasons why in some circles, there appears to be more single women than men. Women are being implicitly instructed(or understanding what is preached in the pulpits as godly womanhood) to conform to a model of Biblical womanhood that implicitly instructs them to “dumb it down” and to not  be themselves. Such insincerity has a negative effect, and actually repulses Christian men(and attracts jerks/predators). Add to the fact that single men (and women) are using married couples in the church as an example of what prospective suitors should already have, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

 -Respecting a person’s right to decide for themselves what to agree/believe is not tantamount to compromising your values or  beliefs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Brothers

My Dear Brothers:

     I would like to take the time out to say thank you for all the painful experiences you’ve given me and my other single Christian sisters. Thank you for your passivity, apathy, disinterest, aloofness, and lack of testicular fortitude. Thank you for caving to your insecurities, listening to your loins, and checking your good sense at the door when it comes to your relational choices.  Your overall hypocrisy and double standards in your dogged pursuit for the “virtous woman” have been noted.  The mixed messages, inconsistency, duplicity, passive aggressive behavior has taught me many lessons.   In each disappointing and dashed expectation, you’ve made several things abundantly clear in my relationships with you:

1.) Apart from divine intervention(and I mean fire-from-heaven, Dead-Sea parting-resurrection-from-death intervention), I can only give sisterly regard and intercede from a distance. I refuse to drop pearls of wisdom or give aid among those who will trample it in the selfish pursuit of their own agendas and interests. I refuse to beg, coax, manipulate, or shape circumstances to gain your attention or attraction. I refuse to dimmer my personality or downplay my intelligence to placate or pacify your paper-thin egos.  If you want someone to blow smoke, stroke your ego, and tell you what you want to hear, don’t show up on my doorstep. 

2.) If you don’t see me much, it’s simply because I am choosing my battles carefully. I have a low tolerance for foolishness(and I’m talking about blatant,persistent, defiant, willful stupidity) and my diplomatic switch has been off lately, and as such:

3.) I am learning (and still learning) to refuse to get frustrated by your behavior. I am choosing to stay in my lane and take care of me. I’ve got a fabulous life that needs to be appreciated, savored, and lived joyfully, purposefully, and prayerfully. The only help I will be giving is the sign pointing to God. You’re on your own. I’m done. Go to your mother if you want to be coddled, because I am NOT the one.

4.) I am daily choosing to keep my heart tender towards God and learning to enforce my boundaries towards you. And in doing so, I am learning never to expect anything, depend on anything, or trust in anything that you are. It doesn’t mean that you’re not capable, it just means that I acknowledge that you’re not God and He is the one that calls the shots about what your real purpose/role is in my life (which, at the moment, is in a professional, ministry capacity at best).

Dear Brothers

My dear single brothers in the faith:

I get it now. I understand now why I”m beating off the unbelieving/different faiths with a stick, and why I don’t get asked out by Christian guys.  I realize now the current dynamics between can be explained by several different factors, and one of them, after reading this is the magnetism that a “girl with a past” has on a Christian guy. Apparently many of you give lip service to the concept of the virtuous woman but still judge virtue based on appearances(read:image, where perception is reality) than actions. And then, even after a woman meets such criteria, the existence of her virtues makes her as palatable or desirable as salty gravel to a thirsty man. So when you come across an attractive Christian woman in church, you’re quick to write her off because she’s too “churchy”.  Which is ironic, because it seems that some of  you rail against the type of snap judgments that my sisters make about you.

I know right now some of you are saying, “here we go, another male-bashing post”. But the truth is that I know this cuts both ways. I know that there are women who harbor unrealistic expectations and give lip service to the concept of the nice guy but really overlook them and chase the bad boy, thinking that they can change him(which is self-destructive and nuts). But I’m simply stating that I get it, and that I’m not going to beat a dead horse about you stepping up (or calling your friends out for their hypocritical behavior) any more. I’m only praying for your growth in God and that you grow into the man that God has called you to be, doing His will. (which, by the way, isn’t all that complicated). I am simply going to just be your friend and the best sister  I can be, and accept the reality that my options are not found among you. It sucks, but I’d rather try to make the best of the situation than to mope about what I can’t change.

Iwant you to know that I know that’s it not easy.   I know that trying and failing miserably hurts. But that doesn’t mean that you give up, or that it’s supposed to automatically easy. All great things take work, and wonderful things do not occur by accident or osmosis. That’s why I can only pray that you don’t give up, and that you find your hope, strength, worth, and value as a man in Christ, and Christ alone. You are not your occupation, income, or power position. Your value and purpose from our Creator, and His purposes and plans are much higher than ours. Granted, the roads there don’t always make sense, but the end, when we trust Him, is a beautiful one.

 

Bye Bye Buzz

I had to write a little post about by Monday, October 31st, Google Buzz will cease to exist. While I have certainly adjusted and moved everything over to Google+, I certainly am realizing that Google Buzz provided a great outlet for my work week.  In some instances, it helped me stay in the loop with friends and family, as well as provide (and receive) spiritual encouragement.

So, in short, I’ve been working “buzz-ed” for quite some time now, and I really will miss it. The stream of comments that turned into some of the best rapid-fire comedic exchanges, the incessant links to crazy You-Tube comedy sketches, and so much more. 

What about you? What online network were you a part of that is no longer in existence? Share your IT nostalgia here.

 

 

The Misses: How Good Men and Women Miss Each Other

In my conversations about relationships between men and women, I’ve begun to notice that this generation’s struggles in gaining, maintaining, and cultivating healthy relationships is fraught with all kinds of pressure summed up in two kinds:
1) The pressure to succeed (and in this case, win or gain the love of the person we desire)
2) The pressure to conform to the norms and expectations of community/culture we live in

Reading these posts gave me in inside peek into the challenges that single men encounter in their quest to meet a good woman, with a specific depiction of how the application of shallow standards cause upwardly mobile women to hastily dismiss men as potential partners because of their focus on the material (status, income, power position) over the substantial (loyalty, fidelity, integrity,diligence, compassion). As a result, they miss out on the very meaningful, affirming relationships that they desire.

What I find depressing in this assessment is that the very dismissal of eligible mates by these women is continued among the same group of overlooked men in their response to such rejection. They don’t re-examine the basis of their attraction to this “type” of woman(or even notice they keep chasing the same type of woman). They don’t even question the criteria used to characterize this archetype. Nope. They simply voice their frustrations being “left out” of the running, and add another level of strict scrutiny in their search criteria, as the realization that looks aren’t enough kicks in. She must have “character”. As a result, the plain Janes and diamonds in the rough who are either a) not as accomplished their well-educated sisters b) not as physically attractive are even more left out.

The end result, unfortunately, is the same: Both sides misunderstand their needs, mis-communicate their desires, misconstrue the needs of the other, and as a result, completely miss each other. A man can have several negative experiences with upwardly mobile Black women desiring someone “on their level”, and from then on, he will always think that “on my level”=money,power and status. After that, he will continually dismiss that particular type of woman and continue his search for good character, missing the truth: that until his understanding and judgment of good character goes beyond appearances, his search will even become more difficult.

I wish that this was the only time I’ve observed this scenario, but another comes to mind as well:
Christians dating is much like high school. The more physically attractive and visible you are in ministry, the larger your group of admirers(fan club) is. The bulk of singles in that community are asking out the most attractive and visible ones, which causes the subject of such attention to suffer from a shortened attention span and a comparison shopping habit. As a result, they’re constantly holding out for something better because of the variety of attention and interest they receive. Any person that has an interest and isn’t fawning all over them for attention will be easily deterred because they mistake the existence of a fan club as proof of their inability to settle for one person.

I am reminded of this scene from Something’s Gotta Give, in which the mother, sister, daughter, and the subject of her May-December romance are sitting at the table eating dinner. The sister, a Women’s Studies professor is attempting to explain the dynamic:
“This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.”

Are there any scenarios that you’ve experienced or observed where two people completely missed each other?
Share!
Colossians 1:10 AMP
That you may walk (live and conduct yourselves) in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him and [a]desiring to please Him in all things, bearing fruit in every good work and steadily growing and increasing in and by the knowledge of God [with fuller, deeper, and clearer insight, [b]acquaintance, and recognition].