The Misses: Miseducation, Misinformation, Miscommunication, and Misunderstandings
Posted by ladyelaine80 on January 30, 2011
Over the past couple of months in conversation with single Christian friends of mine, I’ve discovered that some of the biggest contributors to relational brokenness and disjointed community is a result of the misses: miscommunication (information was not communicated properly, blocked, misunderstood), miseducation(someone told you/showed you the wrong way), and as a result it caused misunderstanding(information not heard correctly, and as a result, was applied improperly with disastrous results).
This has never been more true when it comes to singleness, marriage, and celibacy. Because there is a lack of direct, respecful honesty, as well as a lack of loving confrontation(on both sides by the Church and by the singles as well), there has been an abundance of passive agressive teaching by pastors on the subject, as well as relational ambiguity and a lack of clear communication between marrieds and singles on the topic: In short: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow up with action. If you preach “Wait on God, let Him write your love story,” and you mean “You’re being way too forward and agressive with guys, and you’re scaring them away,” then say the latter, not the former.” Otherwise, by being non-confrontational and failing to be honest with both the men and women in your community, it only makes their journey as believers more difficult.
I believe that some of the things that are taught to single Christian women (and men) are part of the problem. For now, I just want to focus on the single Christian women, and I think the big reason why is because of these “misses” so to speak.
In the next couple of blog posts, I would like to go over a top ten list of commonly misunderstood “misses” that have created much of the problems, and what can be done about it.
The first “miss” would be the topic of desiring marriage and Genesis 2:18, and that miss would be:
-God created woman for man.
On its surface, it sounds correct, and there is some truth to it, as a Christian. However, when it is miscommunicated to single Christian women and men with selfish motive, and misunderstood, then subsequently it will be misapplied. Too often I’ve heard men preach this Scripture reference this in an attempt to demonstrate their authority and power in the church as men over women, or use I Corinthians 11:2 in an attempt to shut women up they don’t agree with or think are out of line.
The problem with this is that God created woman for His purposes and with His perspective regarding man’s makeup. At this point, there is nothing in the passage that suggests man was lonely or expressed a desire to God for companionship. God created MAN and WOMAN for HIS purposes and glory. When we focus on who’s first or who’s on top, the big picture is very much missed.
This is especially true in the single Christian woman’s desire for relationship. We were created for man in the context of God’s plans for him and for both of us together, not simply apart. Sadly, this point is easily misunderstood or miscommunicated as a means of avoiding the issue. For some who desire marriage and family strongly, I truly believe that their desire for relationship can be misunderstood as having a “get married and make babies at all costs” attitude.
I think there is a way, however, to direct the conversation so that you get straight talk. It is done by asking a simple question: “What do you mean by that?” The only thing I would say is that you should be prepared to deal with whatever answers you get.
Miss. Pen & Paper said
I understand your viewpoint. The reason people say that woman was created for man, can be found in Genesis 2:18, 20-23. The key ideas being that it’s not good for Adam to be alone, and for Adam no helper was found. Then it says, “So”, God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, etc, etc. “So” indicates that what was said before is the purpose for which God did everything that comes after the word “so”. It is my personal understanding that based on this passage God created Eve/woman as the remedy to Adam’s aloneness, and for her to be his helper. Even though Adam does not express loneliness, it was God’s opinion that his being alone wasn’t good. Just my thoughts.
Sophi301 said
I agree 100% Woman was created for man.
ladyelaine80 said
I understand your perspective on this point. However,I would have to disagree, because I interpret Genesis 2 in light of what God said in Genesis 1. I agree that God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone, however, I note that God was the one who observed that Adam had no counterpart like all the other animals he named. When you look at that in light of what God said in Genesis 1, it still points to the fact that God designed mankind with His purposes and plans in mind. Loneliness and disconnect is not even entered into the picture until sin entered the world.
I am not saying these things to discount a desire for relationship, merely to point out that God didn’t make the statement that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone because he was lonely; He said it was not good for Adam to be alone because he had no helper. Note that the statement that it was not good for Adam to be alone came AFTER God saw that all the animals Adam named had a counterpart to it(i.e. HELPER).
I know a seminary student who breaks this down quite well here:
http://puritancalvinist.blogspot.com/2008/06/responses-to-candice-watters-book-part.html
Miss. Pen & Paper said
I would interpret God’s use of the word ‘alone’ to mean both lacking a helper and without companionship. At the end of the day, we must ask if Eve was created to be Adam’s helper, what kind of help did Adam need, and how does Eve’s design suit her to meet this need? From what I see, the mission that God gives in Genesis 1 is for Adam and Eve to rule over the earth and to be fruitful and multiply. You can learn a great deal about something’s purpose from its design. This is why I and others take this view. But this does not mean that God never goes outside even his own norms and calls and equips people to do different things. I just see that God was establishing a pattern for future generations of men and women (Genesis 2:24).
ladyelaine80 said
I think that’s where we differ. I see Genesis 1 as a statement that being fruitful and multiplying is a blessing, not command. Otherwise, why would God curse Eve with painful childbearing in Genesis 3. I think the reason why we differ is because I have seen too many people use these passages as justification for pressuring singles to marry, which in fact normalizes marriage and demonizes celibate singleness. While I do believe that singles who desire marriage aren’t crazy and shouldn’t be ignored, I also believe that as Christians we need to be united by Christ and have true community based on that, not having an either/or attitude towards singleness and marriage. Both the OT and the NT give credence to the value of marriage AND singleness. We were made for relationship, definitely. But we were made for relationship with God first, and that relationship flows into our relatonships with others. The order in the OT is the same as well:Love God, then love your neighbor (people). One flows into the other.
Again, I am NOT against marriages. But I firmly believe that when we don’t esteem and respect both callings in the big picture of things, it can lead (rather, has led) to all sorts of problems: believers marrying that shouldn’t, and people staying single that shouldn’t, or WORSE, believers leaving the faith and the church because their respective communities never took them seriously in ministry, ostracized them, or on the other end of the spectrum, took their marital status as an opportunity to take them for granted and dump all the work and responsibility of the church on them.
Miss. Pen & Paper said
Oh absolutely. People do use passages in Genesis to pressure people into marriage. They do it because they see God laying out a pattern of normal adulthood that he is expecting future generations to follow. Also, for those singles who aren’t called and gifted by God to live the celibate lifestyle, they really should be encouraged to marry, because it provides the necessary environment for living out their actual calling, especially for avoiding sexual sin. At the end of the day I think whatever God has called and gifted you to do, you should do, boldly, and unashamedly, but if you’re not then I don’t see anything wrong people nudging you into obedience. No one should be ostracized for walking in obedience to God’s call on their life. I’m definitely against that. We can agree to disagree on the fundamentals, but at least we have a clearer understanding of one another’s point of view.
LadyElaine said
I think the reason why we disagree about the fundamentals is because how our different viewpoints play out. I am not anti-marriage and pro-singleness only, or pro-marriage and anti-singleness. I affirm both states. But I don’t see marital status as central to my maturation and definition of personhood. I believe one should be proactive and do what they know to do in the moment, make wise choices for the future, but leave their future to God with open hands.
I am NOT saying that those who desire marriage shouldn’t pursue it. I am saying that you shouldn’t desire marriage and family so much that you become enslaved by it and compromise on your identity and faith in the process. I’ve seen that happen, and with disastrous results and deeply shattered lives as a part of the consequences.
Just because something(in this case marriage) is normative in Scripture doesn’t mean it’s prescriptive. And as far as sexual sin goes, encourage marriage as a panacea for sexual release only compounds matters further—it’s very much similar to cutting off the branches of a tree with diseased or warped roots.
And as far as “nudging” someone into obedience, I read that to mean that you want someone to give others a “kick in the pants” to do what they’re supposed to do. But in the end, they still must choose to decide to do it. And that is the challenge of discipleship and community: correction, confrontation,and consistently showering the love and grace of God on them as they decide to either stay stuck or move forward.