I would like to take the time out to say thank you for all the painful experiences you’ve given me and my other single Christian sisters. Thank you for your passivity, apathy, disinterest, aloofness, and lack of testicular fortitude. Thank you for caving to your insecurities, listening to your loins, and checking your good sense at the door when it comes to your relational choices.  Your overall hypocrisy and double standards in your dogged pursuit for the “virtous woman” have been noted.  The mixed messages, inconsistency, duplicity, passive aggressive behavior has taught me many lessons.   In each disappointing and dashed expectation, you’ve made several things abundantly clear in my relationships with you:

1.) Apart from divine intervention(and I mean fire-from-heaven, Dead-Sea parting-resurrection-from-death intervention), I can only give sisterly regard and intercede from a distance. I refuse to drop pearls of wisdom or give aid among those who will trample it in the selfish pursuit of their own agendas and interests. I refuse to beg, coax, manipulate, or shape circumstances to gain your attention or attraction. I refuse to dimmer my personality or downplay my intelligence to placate or pacify your paper-thin egos.  If you want someone to blow smoke, stroke your ego, and tell you what you want to hear, don’t show up on my doorstep. 

2.) If you don’t see me much, it’s simply because I am choosing my battles carefully. I have a low tolerance for foolishness(and I’m talking about blatant,persistent, defiant, willful stupidity) and my diplomatic switch has been off lately, and as such:

3.) I am learning (and still learning) to refuse to get frustrated by your behavior. I am choosing to stay in my lane and take care of me. I’ve got a fabulous life that needs to be appreciated, savored, and lived joyfully, purposefully, and prayerfully. The only help I will be giving is the sign pointing to God. You’re on your own. I’m done. Go to your mother if you want to be coddled, because I am NOT the one.

4.) I am daily choosing to keep my heart tender towards God and learning to enforce my boundaries towards you. And in doing so, I am learning never to expect anything, depend on anything, or trust in anything that you are. It doesn’t mean that you’re not capable, it just means that I acknowledge that you’re not God and He is the one that calls the shots about what your real purpose/role is in my life (which, at the moment, is in a professional, ministry capacity at best).

I get it now. I understand now why I”m beating off the unbelieving/different faiths with a stick, and why I don’t get asked out by Christian guys.  I realize now the current dynamics between can be explained by several different factors, and one of them, after reading this is the magnetism that a “girl with a past” has on a Christian guy. Apparently many of you give lip service to the concept of the virtuous woman but still judge virtue based on appearances(read:image, where perception is reality) than actions. And then, even after a woman meets such criteria, the existence of her virtues makes her as palatable or desirable as salty gravel to a thirsty man. So when you come across an attractive Christian woman in church, you’re quick to write her off because she’s too “churchy”.  Which is ironic, because it seems that some of  you rail against the type of snap judgments that my sisters make about you.

I know right now some of you are saying, “here we go, another male-bashing post”. But the truth is that I know this cuts both ways. I know that there are women who harbor unrealistic expectations and give lip service to the concept of the nice guy but really overlook them and chase the bad boy, thinking that they can change him(which is self-destructive and nuts). But I’m simply stating that I get it, and that I’m not going to beat a dead horse about you stepping up (or calling your friends out for their hypocritical behavior) any more. I’m only praying for your growth in God and that you grow into the man that God has called you to be, doing His will. (which, by the way, isn’t all that complicated). I am simply going to just be your friend and the best sister  I can be, and accept the reality that my options are not found among you. It sucks, but I’d rather try to make the best of the situation than to mope about what I can’t change.

Iwant you to know that I know that’s it not easy.   I know that trying and failing miserably hurts. But that doesn’t mean that you give up, or that it’s supposed to automatically easy. All great things take work, and wonderful things do not occur by accident or osmosis. That’s why I can only pray that you don’t give up, and that you find your hope, strength, worth, and value as a man in Christ, and Christ alone. You are not your occupation, income, or power position. Your value and purpose from our Creator, and His purposes and plans are much higher than ours. Granted, the roads there don’t always make sense, but the end, when we trust Him, is a beautiful one.

So, in short, I’ve been working “buzz-ed” for quite some time now, and I really will miss it. The stream of comments that turned into some of the best rapid-fire comedic exchanges, the incessant links to crazy You-Tube comedy sketches, and so much more. 

What about you? What online network were you a part of that is no longer in existence? Share your IT nostalgia here.

Reading these posts gave me in inside peek into the challenges that single men encounter in their quest to meet a good woman, with a specific depiction of how the application of shallow standards cause upwardly mobile women to hastily dismiss men as potential partners because of their focus on the material (status, income, power position) over the substantial (loyalty, fidelity, integrity,diligence, compassion). As a result, they miss out on the very meaningful, affirming relationships that they desire.

What I find depressing in this assessment is that the very dismissal of eligible mates by these women is continued among the same group of overlooked men in their response to such rejection. They don’t re-examine the basis of their attraction to this “type” of woman(or even notice they keep chasing the same type of woman). They don’t even question the criteria used to characterize this archetype. Nope. They simply voice their frustrations being “left out” of the running, and add another level of strict scrutiny in their search criteria, as the realization that looks aren’t enough kicks in. She must have “character”. As a result, the plain Janes and diamonds in the rough who are either a) not as accomplished their well-educated sisters b) not as physically attractive are even more left out.

The end result, unfortunately, is the same: Both sides misunderstand their needs, mis-communicate their desires, misconstrue the needs of the other, and as a result, completely miss each other. A man can have several negative experiences with upwardly mobile Black women desiring someone “on their level”, and from then on, he will always think that “on my level”=money,power and status. After that, he will continually dismiss that particular type of woman and continue his search for good character, missing the truth: that until his understanding and judgment of good character goes beyond appearances, his search will even become more difficult.

I wish that this was the only time I’ve observed this scenario, but another comes to mind as well:
Christians dating is much like high school. The more physically attractive and visible you are in ministry, the larger your group of admirers(fan club) is. The bulk of singles in that community are asking out the most attractive and visible ones, which causes the subject of such attention to suffer from a shortened attention span and a comparison shopping habit. As a result, they’re constantly holding out for something better because of the variety of attention and interest they receive. Any person that has an interest and isn’t fawning all over them for attention will be easily deterred because they mistake the existence of a fan club as proof of their inability to settle for one person.

I am reminded of this scene from Something’s Gotta Give, in which the mother, sister, daughter, and the subject of her May-December romance are sitting at the table eating dinner. The sister, a Women’s Studies professor is attempting to explain the dynamic:
“This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.”

Are there any scenarios that you’ve experienced or observed where two people completely missed each other?
Share!
Colossians 1:10 AMP
That you may walk (live and conduct yourselves) in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him and [a]desiring to please Him in all things, bearing fruit in every good work and steadily growing and increasing in and by the knowledge of God [with fuller, deeper, and clearer insight, [b]acquaintance, and recognition].

I get why some utter this phrase. They really want to offer support, solace, and encouragement. Some are offering this statement from a place of realizing that marriage is hard work-much harder than originally believed when you choose in haste and with compromised judgment. But I also believe that it’s very difficult for someone to discern more specific statements  such as, “You’re choosing the wrong type of guys,” or “you’re moving things too fast”, from “wait on the Lord for your Boaz.”  I am convinced that perhaps if we were more honest with each other in community about things, then perhaps few would witness (and have to rebuild in the aftermath) such a trail of broken relationships and dysfunctional exchanges.

Let’s get real here. I am convinced that there is a difference between being active and doing what you know to do while you’re waiting,  and completely shutting down your life in anticipation for what you’re waiting for. One option is an exercise in wisdom and faith. The other, just plain foolish. I am not anti-waiting. I am anti-foolishness wrapped up in semi-spiritual veneer.  So in order to cut through the super spiritual saccharine phrases that dominate some church circles, ask them if they’re saying to “wait on God” because they believe it’s the best advice to give, or they’re saying it because they don’t have a clue what to say and it’s the best fusion of pithy platitude and spiritual ambiguity.

As far as your life goes, live the life you have been called to as this very moment—selflessly, lovingly, kindly, peacefully, fearlessly.  While the community can help in your life, they can’t live your life for you.

This has never been more true when it comes to singleness, marriage, and celibacy. Because there is a lack of direct, respecful honesty, as well as a lack of loving confrontation(on both sides by the Church and by the singles as well), there has been an abundance of passive agressive teaching by pastors on the subject, as well as relational ambiguity and a lack of clear communication between marrieds and singles on the topic: In short: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow up with action. If you preach “Wait on God, let Him write your love story,” and you mean “You’re being way too forward and agressive with guys, and you’re scaring them away,” then say the latter, not the former.” Otherwise, by being non-confrontational and failing to be honest with both the men and women in your community, it only makes their journey as believers more difficult.

I believe that some of the things that are taught to single Christian women (and men) are part of the problem. For now, I just want to focus on the single Christian women, and I think the big reason why is because of these “misses” so to speak.

In the next couple of blog posts, I would like to go over a top ten list of commonly misunderstood “misses” that have created much of the problems, and what can be done about it.

The first “miss” would be the topic of  desiring marriage and Genesis 2:18, and that miss would be:

-God created woman for man.

On its surface, it sounds correct, and there is some truth to it, as a Christian. However, when it is miscommunicated to single Christian women and men with selfish motive, and misunderstood, then subsequently it will be misapplied. Too often I’ve heard men preach this Scripture reference this in an attempt to demonstrate their authority and power in the church as men over women, or use I Corinthians 11:2 in an attempt to shut women up they don’t agree with or think are out of line.

The problem with this is that God created woman for His purposes and with His perspective regarding man’s makeup. At this point, there is nothing in the passage that suggests man was lonely or expressed a desire to God for companionship. God created MAN and WOMAN for HIS purposes and glory. When we focus on who’s first or who’s on top,  the big picture is very much missed.

This is especially true in the single Christian woman’s desire for relationship. We were created for man in the context of God’s plans for him and for both of us together, not simply apart. Sadly, this point is easily misunderstood or miscommunicated as a means of avoiding the issue. For some who desire marriage and family strongly, I truly believe that their desire for relationship can be misunderstood as having a “get married and make babies at all costs” attitude.

I think there is a way, however, to direct the conversation so that you get straight talk. It is done by asking a simple question: “What do you mean by that?” The only thing I would say is that you should be prepared to deal with whatever answers you get.

Take my shoulder back now
Your head’s too heavy for me
Please don’t come around here no more
‘Cos I asked you to stop
And you wouldn’t

[Chorus]
I would give anything to make you better
I would give anything to point you to free
I would give anything to help you realize

I loved you ’til it killed me
So my logic wouldn’t hurt you
I know you might blame me anyway
Well I’m sorry, I’m so sorry

[Chorus]
[added]
You’re not helping yourself to me

I’ve tried all the things they told me to do
Trying to close up the wounds left open by you
And if I seem doubtful, distrusting…..I am
You said you wouldn’t do it again
You said you wouldn’t do it again

Anything just to try and help you see
You ain’t helping yourself by hurting me
[I would give anything]
Time to let you go, time for you to see
[To make you better]
You ain’t helping yourself by hurting me
[I would give anything]
Anything just to try and help you see
[To point you....to free]
You ain’t helping yourself by hurting me
[I would give anything]
Time to let you go, time for you to see
[Oh, anything for you to help you realise]
You ain’t helping yourself by hurting me

You’re not helping yourself
You’re not helping yourself by hurting me

-wondering why interest is one-sided and not reciprocated; either you’re interested, and he’s not, or he’s interested, and you’re not, OR

-wonder why you have no problem getting asked out or pursued by non-Christian men with clear interest, but Chrisitan men have either several different mental hoops, checklists, or stages before they can even interact with you regularly, OR

-you wonder why the phone calls, text messages, and time spent “hanging out” in a “friendlationship” will ever either fizzle out completely or end up as an actual date or declaration of interest.

Such questions and subsequent conversations have led me to wonder, in the words of my good friend (who, for all intents and purposes, I will call K-Rafty) where have the balls gone? Where’s the courage? The gumption, chutzpah, guts? I am tired of seeing my accomplished, funny, intelligent, vivacious, loyal, nurturing, supportive, talented, caring, gorgeous girlfriends in the dating pool waiting around for, it seems, a large bulk of Christian men to gain, shall we say, testicular fortitude and approach?

**I’d like to also point out a few things before I go further:**

a) I understand that it’s not easy in the least to be a man in this society, and that there are pressures at all sides to choose the route of convenient self-preservation in the area of relationships. I know it’s daunting to make an attempt to connect with someone and to be rejected and/or brutally rebuffed.  But just as you don’t want to carry the emotional bagge left by another man, should your sisters put themselves on hold (and go through all sorts of tests) because your previous rejections by a woman(or several women) have left your confidence in tatters?

b) I am fully aware that I, as a woman cannot tell you how to be a man—namely, the godly man that you were created to be. But I also know that as a woman, the best thing I can do (or know to do at this point) is to provide encouragement and the occasional sisterly tough love.

c) My frustration and aggravation with the lack of courage among my brothers doesn’t mean that I hate all of you. Instead, please understand that my frustrated antagonism is toward stagnant potential.

So, in short, this isn’t some bitter rant regarding how passive Christian men are. Rather, this is a call to all my brothers out there asking, “Where have the balls gone?” I genuinely want to know why, in this day and age, a Christian man pursuing a woman with clear intent and Christ-centered confidence is as rare as a blizzard in mid-July. I really would like to know, because I’m tired of turning down requests for my phone number for guys who don’t know Jesus. So guys, what’s up? Where have the balls gone?

You can tell a lot about a person’s ability to have healthy relationships by how they deal with: a) rejecting others, b) dealing with rejection themselves, c) dealing with others in between both those positions.

You can observe the answers to this person by watching how a person deals with a fan club. If a person has a large number of “fan clubs”, (groups of the opposite sex who provide as “yes men”, with enough ego stroking and adoring gazes to go around), that is not enough to tell if they’re really able to have a healthy relationship. It’s how they deal with the fan club that can say a lot of things about their relational abilities.

If they never enforce boundaries with their loyal “fans”, then they’re not ready to be with anyone, and would do a great service to those wanting healthy relationships to wear a T-Shirt that says TAKEN on the front and WITH THEMSELVES on the back. They’re pretty much choosing the short term payoff of fan club attention than to take the unknown and pursue the  attention of someone that doesn’t fit into that mold. 

So what do you do when you discover that someone you’re interested in is fan club friendly? Put him in the GTG/GTL category (Good Time Guy/Good Time Lady) category. They’re definitely a fun person to have an occasional laugh, but do not share anything deep with them. Their behavior in their relationships demonstrates how deep they’re truly willing to go (which is not far). If you’ve gotten emotionally invested, communicate your distance ASAP and exchange everything with a healthier alternative(education, your interests and dreams, rebuilding/reconnecting relationships with family/friends).

The process is not easy. But it is certainly worth it. And while you may not necessarily get what you want all the time, you can walk away with a clear conscience and peace of mind.