When I read this, I realized how much it was relevant to current events. There is much suffering in the world, and yet, as Christians, we can call God our Father. And yet, as you continue to spend time with Him, poring through the Scriptures, He reveals Himself to be so much more.

In the past couple of days, I’ve only begun to scratch the surface when it comes to my brokenness and the grace of God, and in doing so, I realized how I have so much to thank Him for–Life. Salvation. Mercy. Peace. Comfort. I’m still trying to figure out how much of my single life I’ve wasted being focused on why I’m not married,or even, why I can’t get a decent Christian man to even look at me.

A while back, I started a gratitude journal at another site. I think it’s time to start it back up again, and in doing so, I can remember that in this time of change, growth and wonderful grace, that He is all of those things, and much more to me—Savior, King, and Our Father.

When she writes blog posts like this, which shows her attempt to twist Scripture to fit her viewpoint.
Please let me be clear. Candice Watters is not a bad person. She wants Christians to marry and have children. There’s nothing wrong with that desire. I understand why she feels this way, somewhat. It’s like enjoying the benefits of a life changing experience, and then thinking that somehow things would be better if everyone experienced it. However, her experience and approach as it stands, is a common stereotypical experience that many couples and marrieds view when they are so enthralled by their own bliss that they start to look at other lives with the same rose-colored glasses. Consequently, the marrieds and couples display complete relational ineptitude in their relationship with singles in church. If anything, the gratitude that marrieds experience in their relationship should point them toward God, because truth be told, shouldn’t joy and pleasure be viewed through a Christ centered lens?

It’s one thing to say that marriage is good, and that having the desire for marriage is a good thing. However, it is quite another thing when you say marriage is the "norm", and when you place a heavy foot of the blame on one gender/culture. To do so puts singleness in an other/freak category and sows the seeds for undue social pressure and mistreatment for being single. I would rather marrieds and couples say that they don’t know how to relate to singles but want to learn than to simply write the whole thing off and say, "well, you should get married." Then you have people entering a covenant for the wrong reasons and being completely devastated when storms hit(and they will, which is simply a fact of life no matter what your marital status is).
I"m not trying to be pithy here, but I think the problem isn’t necessarily delayed marriages, but major breakdowns in terms of authentic community and discipleship. Consequently, you have a lack of resources available in terms of developing the character needed to create (and help sustain) healthy relationships(spiritual, social, financial, etc.)

What do you think? As a Christian, do you think marriage is the norm? Do you think that delaying marriage is the root of problems that many single Christians face?

The past couple of days have been wonderful. When you no longer obssess or have anxiety about not being married, you figure out what that what you’d been missing all along is right in front of you, and that there is much to be grateful for. You discover that there was a huge world that you had been closing yourself off too and not seeing. Before going inside the house, I stopped and looked around me. All this time I had completely missed the beauty of the autumn foliage, the perfect fall weather, and the gorgeous dance of colors displayed by the setting sun against the clouds as evening approaches. How did I miss this?
One thing I have noted is that no matter what our situation, no matter how many things aren’t going our way, I can still say that God is good. I can still say that He is amazing, sovereign, and has what I need. But even more simply, He is the masterful Creator. I am learning at this stage in the game that my contentment, my hope, cannot be in things. It cannot be in people, or the satisfaction and joy of people. Contentment is found in Him, and delighting in Him is my rock. He is my security, and while a covenant marriage is a wonderful, blessed thing, as are children, I know that bliss in life is not dependent upon those things, and neither it is in comparing my life with others. I can celebrate with those who are in that season of life at the moment, while recognizing that it’s something that I pretty much think is not for me.

I am thankful that this time is available for me at the moment. I say this not to gloat, as this time has had its plentiful share of sad moments and crushed hopes, but as a revelation. I realized that the second I "gave up" or quit hoping for marriage and accepted my life as a single woman, I felt an incredible weight off my shoulders. I no longer felt the need to mentally obssess over the things I did or said to Christian guys, because they automatically are in the "brother box", which is a general catch-all category for all Christian men. I can see them as brothers, and pray for them and hope the best, and not be subject to a fear of man or overanalyze social interactions with them.

So I’m just going to do different things, try different things that interest me,and in that process, I’m becoming my own best company…..

I have encouraged, prayed for, and defended many of you to my sisters. I have asked God to give me the strength to deal with you as you are, and to see you with His eyes. Because at this moment in my life, I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of putting myself through the ringer when the reality is, it’s not that complicated. You’re not interested and you never were, whether I find you attractive or not. I’ve had enough of watching the lot of you fawn over every beautiful thing that professes Christianity.

At this point, I know my place: being a “great sister”. But this “great sister” realizes her worth and is being a taskmaster about her time. I’m going to be even more guarded with my heart, namely, making sure you never get a chance to see it. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, know that I’m going to be busy. I’m going to be busy doing things that interest me and going after my dreams. With the exception of God’s leading, I’m not going to take the risk and just take a chance. I’m going to try new things, go to different places, and even (gasp) go on a few dates.

So with that, I am embracing singleness.

After reading this, I certainly have had to alter and rethink my views of what it means to love.

Being a single woman you notice several dynamics in opposite sex interaction, especially in church culture. Early on you notice that there are certain men (and women) who seem to garner much attention from the opposite sex. Sometimes it’s because they’re physically attractive, and sometimes it’s because they’re the most active and primed for moving up the leadership ladder in church; or it’s because they’re in a visible serving position in ministry.

Nevertheless, this popularity comes with certain behaviors by the opposite sex that leaves the onlooker completely befuddled. If you are friend of said talented, accomplished, attractive Christian, you are most likely going to encounter the “Christian groupies”. The Christian groupies will barely acknowledge your platonic relationship with said popular Christian, and will most likely take the most aggressive approach in striking up conversations and making an attempt to be “noticed”. 

Christian groupies will actually interrupt conversations in play, will flirt incessantly and act as if you’re not literally there, and will be very touchy-feely in their interactions with the object of their desire. What’s even funnier is that their behavior actually does the opposite of their true intent—to win the affections of their deep crush. Granted, it’s pretty sad, especially when you see the person who’s being approached doing their best to not rudely brush off the person who’s interested.

Sometimes, though, as a woman who sees this foolishness, I simply want to pull an intervention on said groupie and say, “Honey, you’re better than that! Let him chase you, but only do it if he actually is chasing….”

Unfortunately, it seems said advice for some groupies is very difficult to receive such advice, as such entreaties are viewed as the behavior of someone who’s “jealous” or an angle of wanting said person of interest. 

It’s funny, because when you’re friends with someone who a lot of people are attracted to, you actually don’t see what the big deal is about. You see a friend with flaws and issues like anyone else. You don’t see “The One” or  a “hottie”.

So I guess my question is, how do you address a Christian groupie? Or is it something that the “hottie” must address? Do you just let it slide as a friend, taking it as part of the breaks of dealing with an popular single friend, or do you do something?

Currently in my attempt to get out of my “stuck” zone as I’ve gotten one year closer to thirty, I realize that in addition to pursuing real community with the body of Christ and accountability, I also need mentors—for work, in ministry, and in relationships. I’ll admit that in some instances the examples of older women around me have given me examples of what not to become and to do as I approach the rest of my life as a Christian woman.  Some would argue that my mother is a great resource, as I’ve discussed this issue with older Christian women in the faith (her name comes up  often, which is a great testament to the grace of God in my life and hers).  While I have great respect for my mother’s wisdom and advice (her opinion does have weight in my life), I guess I yearn for the insight of someone who isn’t necessarily close to me by blood, but can give an outside opinion. 

My quest for mentors doesn’t have its own share of anxieties, however.  My experiences with older women have been mixed—I’ve either gotten the vibe that I’m seen as reinforcements for help in ministry activity, or I’m seen as a potential match someone’s son.  Both experiences have made me feel out of sorts in talking with older Christian women.

When you get down to what I really want, I am looking for a mentor who I know will deal with me as an adult and not patronize me.  I am also looking for someone who will tell me the truth, even if it hurts.  I want someone who will give practical advice and not become “spooky” or give “fluff” when it comes to the tough questions about living as a Christian woman. However, I also would like someone in my life who recognizes that singleness is not a disease or a way station for marriage, and will not base their treatment of me on their marital status.

I’d love to hear about other women’s experiences out here. What are your experiences when it comes to mentoring? Does anyone have any bragging/horror stories?

Yesterday I realized that I may be much better off single.  Looking at my married/coupled friends and the struggles they face has been like looking into a mirror at a probable future.  The saying goes that if you want to know how far in life you’ll go, look at your friends. 

My single friends are moving along professionally, financially, and in ministry opportunities, while my coupled and married friends are doing the whole “nesting” thing, getting married and having children.  I realize that the transitions in relating and dealing with these changes as a single has it own share of difficulties, and it is a clear reminder as a single.  More often than not, I’ve simply seen my single marrieds and marrieds disconnect from the friendship or expend less effort to maintain contact because the coupled/married person now has a best friend. That reality hits home clearly in conversation and decisionmaking, and socially.

My life made this evident recently at a bridal expo to support my engaged younger sister, with two of our childhood friends in tow.  My sister was completely bombarded by sales reps from each station hawking their wares and boasting about their services.  Thankfully, one of our childhood friends(who’s been married for a year) was able to provide sage advice in terms of what offers and promotions to take seriously and which ones to ignore. Thankfully, she didn’t have to worry about some of the arrangements.

After the expo we had lunch, and we of course discussed relationships. In that conversation, most of the things I’d heard(and feared) about marriage were further cemented in my mind. Marriage is hard. Tell me something I don’t know. Living is hard. Relating is difficult, especially when you factor in selfish human nature.  While my friend gave us a LOT of real insight in terms of the work, sacrifice, and struggles in marriage, it saddened me. Saddened me because she told me about how many marrieds wind up dealing with the devastating aftermath of affairs and then write off single women as immediate threats to them. At this point, I’m teetering between a jaded disposition and full blown cynicism.

I don’t want to get married simply so I won’t feel alone anymore. I have enough sense to know that a man won’t be able to get it right 100% and I must extend grace. I don’t want to marry because I simply want to have babies and I want to pop out some children before my eggs dry up.  I don’t want to marry because I think that’s the only way I’ll be whole.

I want to marry knowing that I am entering this covenant to this person so that Christ will be shown and that others will know that the love of God is real. Because it’s never really about me to begin with, and it never was. I am starting to see that singleness, despite the pangs of loneliness, is not an escape from relational friction or pain; but another type of life dedicated to God’s purposes.  I don’t want to harm marriages; I want to be able to encourage and uplift them.

But there’s boundaries that hinder me from really relating to them. Part of it is due to mistrust on their part. The other part is  mistrust on my part.

How do I get past that? How I do relate to married women and not come off as threatening?

This is what Christian women should be going for when it comes to being marriage minded–making sure that you’re ready for the real demands and sacrifices of the marriage covenant, instead of being more concerned about wedding details. 

Sadly, too many of my Christian sisters know more about what they want their weddings to look like intead of really making sure their identities, living, and relationships are Christ centered and a witness of the gospel.

This is probably one of the best posts I’ve read in regards to how to interact and relate to singles(or wounded, grieving people for that matter).  Now if there was a way that such listening could turn into greater community between marrieds and singles, that would be great. Granted, I think that community is easier said than done, because it requires God’s help to unconditionally respect and love another person, period, regardless of what relationship types you have in your life(friends, family, dates, etc.)

But in listening I also wonder about what’s not said as well.  I wonder why there are words hanging in the air but never said, and why there are words uttered that should been kept as thoughts but never words. I also wonder why don’t listen with our eyes in watching behavior and not just words.

Trust me, I’m just as guilty of these offenses, and I”ve made plenty of mistakes(speaking without thinking, seeing what I wanted to see instead of what’s in front of me). But reflecting on these things make me wonder about relationships that shouldn’t have started and only came to be due to a lack of speaking up, and having the courage to face the consequences of your words(and deeds).

Thankfully, I know that going down that rabbit hole will only lead to overanalysis and indecision. One cannot put their entire life on hold for another’s decision, and I am in a current state where this is true now more than ever. Being in my late twenties and having being a thirtysomething as an upcoming memory makes me realize that I must live my life and stop worrying about what could’ve and should’ve been.

Looks like I’ll be starting another adventure….